Change is scary as shit.
It can be real sexy from afar..like..in a “yup! My hair cut extremely short will be totally liberating and have me seen as a free spirit..” kind of way... or, “Hell yeah, I’m gonna quit my job and pursue professional golf.” kind of way.. or in a “Hey, moving to New York is also going to help geographically distance me from this traumatic heartbreak! What a bonus.” kind of way...oops, don’t know where that last one came from.
But when change is actually here...when things are beginning to really be new. To begin, to roll forward...that shit is not sexy up close. It’s nerve wrecking as hell, y’all. You guys know. Because even though some of our circumstances have been undesirable, damn, at least we know them! We know what they are. We’ve seen their ins and outs..how they affect us. We even get addicted to these circumstances BECAUSE of their certainty, even if they’re not the best! Crazy, isn’t it? That we would avoid the temporary sharp pain of being stretches in the beginning stages of transition, while instead choosing to just completely succumb to the pain of things staying exactly the same, even if it’s causing us such sadness. Maybe because that pain isn’t a sharp kind of pain anymore...it’s more like a dull misery.
Like look, everything is new here in New York. Seriously- the way people are, my relationships, my living space, what I’m learning, what I experience, the skyline, everything. My brain synapses are firing like crazy every single day. And tonight, in acting class, I went up for the first time and did a monologue. Holy shit. I currently have a vulnerability hangover! And even though it’s actually incredible, and exciting, and I’m so extremely fortunate to be venturing into new spaces of art...that part of me, that ego that is so addicted to control and certainty and making sure everything is okay wants to RUN AWAY. “Girl, no!” “You’re too old to try new ish!” “Back to NoHo, we go!” “Watch out, they will critique us and thus strip away our identity! AH!!!!!” I know that this fearful ego specifically wanted to run because my teacher told me that I didn’t have to grip the sides of my chair while she talks to me, because it means I’m ready to bolt out of the class. I looked down, seeing my white knuckles gripping the red chair. Oops. Ha.
But... “run where?” I ask my ego. Run back? Back to what? Nights of “safety”, laying in my bed not changing things that I knew need to be changed? Run back to doing everything for someone else and nothing for me? Run back to the literal feeling of a sore throat from keeping my voice silent and emotions inside, to not be seen and heard in a certain way because I wanted to appear perfect and spiritual and authentic and all of the other shit that people think of me as? Run back to closing my eyes at the way I allow my fear to contribute to suffering in my life?
Hmm..not much back there-is there? And I don’t mean location. It doesn’t matter where you are..New York, LA..but I mean back there in terms
of mindset. There’s literally nothing to go to. And I don’t mean, like, family and friends. Of course, your people are always gonna be your people..the true ones. In fact, I think that the idea that says moving forward must leave ALL comfort is also a delusion..The Universe, God, whatever you wanna call Her, it’s all still there. Comfort is not really the problem, complacency is. And for our inner life to grow and evolve, our life situation must also grow and evolve. I do believe throughout it all, we can even still find peace.
So yeah, after a long, vulnerable, achy, and kind of exhausting day...I say yes. Again. With heavy eyelids and an exasperated sigh, I say yes. To the packed subways, long walks, uncertainty, and wrong turns. Because this means I’m also saying yes to the skyline, to new faces, and to the simple joy of purchasing a chair that matches my carpet. It’s all included in this yes. Yes, yes, yes. I decide yes today. And I think it can be a decision that is both hard and so easy at the same time.